The Kids are Alright

So have some

At a small rooftop gathering last Friday, I connected with an acquaintance I had met only once before, a young married woman. She and her husband have been together 8 years. We somehow navigated to the topic of kids. She said she wasn’t sure about kids, that there was probably a 40% chance she’d have kids. I let her know I had some thoughts on why having kids is so great, and she was all ears. So I told her:

First, it’s great for you, for the experience. There is nothing more human, more natural, more alive than reproducing. To not have kids is to miss out on such a large piece of the human experience. 

It’s also great for you because when you’re old, sure you’ll have friends and hobbies, but what you’ll look forward to most is hanging out with your grandkids. Watching your kids raise their own kids will be a treat. There’s nothing like family when you’re old.

Second, it's great for the world. You and your husband are in the 0.1% (0.001%?) of people in terms of actively thinking about how to make the world a better place, and have the resources to give your kids a stellar foundation to become conscientious, peaceful, happy, contributive citizens of the universe. We can always use more people like that around. (And if you’re subscribed to this Substack, this is probably true for you too). One of your kids could be the one that solves our carbon problem, or has first contact with extraterrestrial life, or solves an unsolved math problem.

Third, for them. If you don’t have your kids, they literally won’t exist. The gift of life is the greatest gift you can give. To experience life is unlike anything else. No one can hit *start* on their own life, only their parents can do that for them. And at some point, they’ll thank you for it.

The idea that you’re handed a torch with the most brilliant fire you’ve ever seen, and you might decide to watch the flame until it burns out, instead of passing the flame on and let someone else watch it burn for a while, is just unimaginable to me.

And there are also a few good reasons to have at least 3 kids.

First, the mortality rate for individuals before having children is not zero. Which means if every couple only replaced themselves by having two kids, humanity would dwindle. As someone who loves humanity, I think we should grow, not dwindle. And the next whole number after two is, as you know, three. So either you’re helping humanity grow by having three, or contributing to the dwindling by less.

Second, for their upbringing. It’s more like real life, and they’ll get a higher variety of interactions while growing up. The chance that they’ll get along with one of their siblings is higher. And the chance they’ll have to learn to get along with a sibling they don’t get along with is also higher. Sometimes they'll find themselves in a two-against-one scenario, which is more akin to real life. Sometimes both parents will be occupied with their siblings, and have to figure things out themselves. 

Third, is a bit darker of a reason, but worth mentioning. God forbid, something happens to one of your kids, the other two will at least still have each other. Imagine how hard it’d be to lose your only sibling. Or in the case of having only one child, how hard it’d be for you as parents if you lost them.

You might say, with this logic, you should have as many kids as possible! Sure - these reasons all work as to why to have 4, 5, 6, 12 kids. I understand there’s some constraints. Money, time, and balancing child rearing with everything else you can do in life. There’s some amount of diminishing returns. 3 is a sweet spot (and if you were thinking about having 0-2, probably easier to think about having 3 than 4+).

She seemed to like what I had to say, because by the end, she was intent on having 3 kids. Now it was time to work on her husband…